Lots of things in life bother me. I’m one of those people where ‘the river runs close to the surface,’ if you know what I mean; I am emotional, and sometimes I find myself shedding a tear where other people would go unmoved. If I’m honest, I like this aspect of my personality, though I know it upsets my loved ones at times. I like the fact that I feel things deeply, even though it’s painful; it makes me feel connected to myself, and to others.
At the weekend, I was standing at traffic lights waiting for a chance to cross the road in safety. Facing me, coming in the opposite direction, was a set of young parents and their two boys, probably aged about seven and five. I’m not a parent, but I’m more than aware of how boisterous and energetic children of this age can be, and these two little boys were no different from the average kid. One of them started pressing the ‘Walk’ button repeatedly, as children do, and the other was prancing about from foot to foot, singing a little song to himself. Just as I was thinking what cute children they were, I witnessed a show of anger from the parents that left me reeling. The children were shoved and shouted at, and the boy with his hand on the ‘Walk’ button had it forcibly removed. The singing child was yelled at and told to shut up. As they started to cross the road, one boy dawdled, his attention caught by something in one of the idling cars, and his father grabbed him and shoved him across the road with what I felt was unnecessary force, shouting at him all the way. In no point was the child in danger – the green ‘walk’ signal was lit, and the cars were not moving. The physicality was extreme and unwarranted, I thought. I glared at the man, and said, very clearly, ‘there’s no need for that!’ as we passed one another on the road – he ignored me, of course. I hardly expected anything else. I’m fully prepared to accept that my actions may not have been appropriate; it’s not for me to say how anyone else raises their children, and I know that. Having said that, I watched the two little boys as they reached the far side of the road; from being the curious, singing little things they’d been at the beginning of this scenario, now they were both crying and angry. The whole family was furious with one another, and it radiated from them like steam from boiling water.
I walked home feeling so sad at what I’d seen. It stayed on my heart all day, weighing it down.
There’s a poem called ‘Children Learn What they Live,’ which played on my mind for most of the rest of the weekend. It begins: ‘If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn; if a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight; if a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.’ I’ve often read this poem and it has always been clear to me how perceptive and true it is. It makes me wonder how a parent thinks treating their child with aggression can lead to anything but pain, or how they think that a child is going to grow up as a happy, contented and secure adult if they’ve felt bullied and belittled all their lives.
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I’m not suggesting that the family I saw was abusive, or anything like that. Every family has its bad moments, and perhaps I simply happened to be there at the wrong time for this particular family. I’m also not saying that children shouldn’t be corrected when they misbehave; teaching a child how to negotiate the world with respect for themselves and others is a vital part of parenting, and discipline is part of that. For the record, I don’t believe in physical discipline of children, but I know opinions differ on that. I feel, too, that correcting a child’s misbehaviour with appropriate discipline is different from using them as punchbags for an adult’s own feelings of anger or upset or frustration; the latter is inexcusable.
Of course I would love to see a world where no child would ever know aggression, whether it’s verbal or physical, but we’re all aware of how realistic that dream is.
I have a huge amount of sympathy for parents who, under pressure from every corner, find raising their children difficult; it’s not easy to find the money and the time and the energy to parent energetic, never-sleeping, inquisitive little people. There are going to be times when tempers boil over and anger reaches flashing point and things are said which will be regretted later – but it’s really important to express this regret, and ‘mend the fences’, and reassure the child that they are still, and always, loved. Love is such a little thing – such a short word, and so often bandied about – but at the same time it’s the single most important thing a parent can give their child. I’d go so far as to say it’s the single most important thing one person can give another.
I would love to see a situation where every child was afforded an education, the chance to learn how to read and write fluently and confidently, and the knowledge that – no matter what – they are loved. Imagine the generation of happy, compassionate and intelligent people we would raise.
Imagine the difference it would make to the world.
Amen to that. 🙂
I agree – there’s no reason to be aggressive to children. I saw something similar when I was visiting France a couple of years ago, and it really weighed on my conscience (I didn’t say anything – and I should have said something, even if it made no difference).
However here in Poland what I mostly see is the exact opposite. Children are glorified by their doting parents, and any behaviour is ok because “well, he’s just a child!”. So it’s ok to shout, to throw things, to sing on top of the voice in a shop or to put legs on other people in the bus. Also, no problem to create mayhem at 7 in the morning. Who cares that people in the nearby flats may want to sleep? It annoys me SO much. I’m beginning to feel prejudiced against children because there are so many parents who allow them absolutely everything and anything.
Well, that’s what I meant by ‘appropriate discipline’ and teaching your children to act in a way which is respectful to themselves and others. I don’t like the tendency to make ‘tiny terrors’ out of children by allowing them to run riot; that leads to almost exactly the same sort of difficulty later on, when they’re adults. I’m not advocating misbehaviour, by any means. Parents need to show love – and that means discipline and punishment as often as it means indulgence.
Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry you were upset by what you witnessed in France. It’s never nice. 😦
As a parent with young children I can sympathize with the emotional frustration and sadness from witnessing something like that. I’ve seen it here too. I’m thankful you said something, even if those parents said nothing to you, I like to think they felt ashamed or embarrassed by their behaviour.
Have you seen the movie ‘The Help’? When the maid sees the young girl she is in charge of being belittled by her mother, she takes the child aside, looks her in the eyes, and tells her she is smart, she is beautiful and she is loved. Those words bring tears to my eyes every time. I think every child needs to be reminded of their parents’ love.
Thanks, Tessa – I’m glad you think I did the right thing, even if it had no effect whatsoever. I haven’t seen the movie of ‘The Help’, but I have read the book. It’s marvellous, and I’ve recommended it to so many people! The scene you describe is exactly what I mean, and I’m really happy to know you, as a parent, agree that it’s important for every child to be told they’re loved, particularly when they’re feeling vulnerable. In the particular case of that movie/story, of course I wish it had been the child’s parent who’d told them how much they were loved, but all love is important.
Thanks for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it. 🙂